Fallout

fall·out

/ˈfôlˌout/

The adverse side-affects or results of a situation.

Toxic Relationships

At one point or another we will all experience fallout from a relationship. It could be from family members, co-workers, romantic/dating relationships, besties or just friends. On this episode of Fishtales we shall dive deep into romantic/dating toxic relationships and the fallout from them. I will speak from my own experiences and from what I have seen from friends. I only wish to shed light on the situation and grow from these experiences. For the record I am somewhere between my master’s program and receiving my PhD on the subject. You could say I know a few things about toxic relationships and fallout. With life experience comes lessons, knowledge, wisdom, and blog posts.

I feel it’s also important to remember that our society and social norms have created an illusion that men are the toxic individuals and women are the victims along with “men being assholes and women being crazy”. Not always the case, the rolls can very much be reversed. Toxic women can destroy good men too.

Let’s look at what a toxic relationship is and the difference between abusive vs. toxic and what a trauma bond is.

A trauma bond is essentially the process through which we begin to confuse abusive behavior for love.

“A toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are prioritizing love over the core components of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, and affection.” -Mark Manson

According to Psychalive “A toxic relationship is often characterized by repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating between a couple. However, one common theme in a toxic relationship involves the partners’ intense draw toward each other, despite the pain they both cause one another.” 

Abusive vs toxic: Do not mistake toxic with abusive. Abuse is an extreme form of toxicity. A few signs of a toxic relationship include lack of support, toxic communication, envy/jealousy, controlling behaviors, resentment, dishonesty, patterns of disrespect, constant stress, and walking on eggshells. Healthy behaviors include secure, loving, positive, giving, selfless, encouraging, uplifting, trustworthy, compassionate, and respectful.

Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) shows symptoms of a self-centered attitude, no empathy for others, an obsessive need for admiration and they are arrogant and demanding. They think they are unique and should have better treatment than anyone else.

I believe that no one intentionally gets into a toxic relationship or is seeking one, if you are then you are the problem. Humans are creatures of habit; we stick to what we are familiar with and what makes us comfortable. This could be a good time to ask ourselves if we have a “specific type” of person we like to date. It seems all too familiar when we fall back into a toxic relationship. According to Psychalive “people enter into a toxic relationship in order to repeat patterns from their past that are unpleasant but familiar.” If you didn’t know this about yourself consider, this your wake-up call. Take a second and reflect on your past relationships are you still making the same mistakes in your current relationships? Time to be real, raw, and honest with yourself. We get so use to it we have forgotten what a real relationship is and how it feels to be in one. If we can’t take a step back and realize these patterns, we are most likely going to repeat the same mistakes from the past. Some say the definition of insanity is repeating the same mistake over and over hoping for a different outcome. Again, stop and take a second to evaluate your current relationships, are they turning out the same from your past ones? What can you do to help change the outcome? Food for thought, guys stop dating crazy girls. Girls stop dating assholes. Or as I mentioned above vice versa. Maybe just don’t date for a while and truly work on yourself. Yes, be single! I know some people probably can’t do that but it’s always an option since all your other relationships keep failing. Can’t seem to fill that black hole? Probably something deeper inside you that needs to be addressed and healed.

If someone can’t tell you what their flaws are, they have the most dangerous flaw of them all, a lack of self-awareness. A huge red flag is that narcissists are never a part of the problem in any of their past relationships. Narcissists are that adept at crazy-making.

A common theme about toxic relationships is the couple’s intense attraction to each other even though their relationship is unhealthy. When two people can’t seem to figure it out no amount of love will fill those cracks. Sometimes it takes more than just love and sometimes it just isn’t a good match. Is this person causing real damage to my self-esteem and overall mental health? Does your partner lift you up and make you a better person or is your partner sucking the life out of you like Selene from Underworld?

The high highs are great and exhilarating, you feel like you are on cloud 9 but the low lows are horrible, gut wrenching, and exhausting. It’s literally one extreme to the other and it can happen in a split second. I knew the pattern of a certain girl so well I told my therapist within a day of when she would reach back out after a nuclear melt down and taking several days off from talking. She would tell me she loved me then within five minute tell me she literally hates me. Talk about a rollercoaster of what the fuck is going on?! I thought she might have been bipolar but after doing my own research I came to the conclusion that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she showed signs of being a sociopath and had a lot unhealed trauma. You would never expect it to happen to you and it takes awhile to figure out what is going on. It was a great learning lesson but I sure had to go through a lot of shit to lean those lessons. Seeing the red flags early and not ignoring them are critical. When things are bad hopefully both parties want to get back to that sweet zone where all is peaceful, and the fun and love is flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. But shit hits the fan and that toxic tornado rips through your thoughts and emotions again, you hit rock bottom and experience the low lows and the cycle repeats itself. We have to be able to set healthy boundaries and respect each other. Arguing is going to happen, disagreements are going to happen and that’s all fine and dandy. Melt downs, threats, belittling, telling your partner you hate them, etc are not all fine and dandy and should not be tolerated for a second.

Men have a habit of trying to “fix” issues and women want to be listened too. For the guy, it is to find a solution, for the woman, it is to discuss the problem. As a couple you should discuss your attachment styles and your communication styles. You should both know your core beliefs, core values, moral beliefs, and spiritual beliefs. Understanding those will aid in the communication process and ensuring a better outcome. “Assertive communication and healthier boundaries are often the keys to bringing out the best in one another—especially if you’re both willing to make changes.” –Elizabeth Scott, PhD. Positive communication is critical in a having a healthy relationship. If your partner does not know how to communicate your relationship is going to be a lot harder and majority of the time end in failure.

I will be the first to admit I have seen plenty of red flags and completely ignored them, ran from them like Forest Gump across America. I will also be the first to admit that I played my role in several toxic relationships and 50% of the blame is on me. I fully own that and after each failed relationship I have sought therapy and understanding on my part so that I can better myself. Looking back on those relationships it was as clear as a hot August night. We only see what we want to see in those moments. We are willing to overlook them because of this newfound love, because of the chase, because we love the attention, and this person thus far is fun and non-toxic. In these moments we must take a step back and see the whole picture or in some cases we must look closer and focus on specific issues and address them. Don’t just look at your partner and expect them to fix the issues look at yourself too. Your past patterns, relationships and beliefs will play a major role in your next relationship.

The constant need to blame your partner for everything when you have yet to look in the mirror and address any of your own issues is a major problem. Never taking responsibility for the vile words flying out of your mouth like bullets in the sky at a celebratory gunfire on New Years Day should be a red flag to most. One of the bigger issues here is that your partner might not even have enough self awareness that they are doing this. Holding on to past relationship drama and wounds will absolutely affect your current relationship whether you know it or not. “Realize that some people are simply toxic to be around—they sap your energy with negative behaviors like constant complaining, critical remarks, and overall negativity. Consequently, if you’re dealing with someone who drains you of your energy and happiness, consider removing them from your life, or at least limiting your time spent with them.” –Elizabeth Scott, PhD. Toxic people simply are unwilling to change—especially those who lack self-awareness or social skills. Removing that person might be a very hard decision or even frightening when that person is your partner. You can’t imagine life without them, you don’t want to feel alone or give them up to someone else. We should also be mindful if it’s love or our pride and ego blinding us. You might be unsure how you will move on by yourself or if you will ever find love like that again. Let me be the first to tell you that you absolutely can and guess what’s even better? When you walk away you will find someone that’s right for you and someone that knows how to love you for you. You are also taking back your power and controlling what you ultimately can. Your actions, thoughts, and beliefs. You cant control your partner and what they do and say but you can control whether of not you stay in the relationship. I’ve had several ex’s tell me that I would never find anyone as good as them, I would end up being single forever, or as beautiful as them again, blah, blah, blah! I dropped those girls like a 500 lbs weight to the bottom of the Mariana trench and moved on.

After a breakup and even more so after a toxic breakup you’re like an open wound, as if someone literally cut you deep with a knife and if you do not address that wound and give it ample time to heal, you’re going to bleed all over your next partner and relationship. You jump from partner to partner because you need to fill that void with someone to take your mind off your ex but that black empty hole never gets full. You haven’t fully healed, causing a path of destruction along your way. You’re only causing yourself more turmoil and, in the process, causing collateral damage to others. When that doesn’t work shoving drugs up your nose or diving headfirst into a bottle might feel like it’s helping but come morning those issues are still stuck on you like a fly on a carcass. Absolutely selfish of you and unfair to the other person involved. They are innocent and don’t deserve to be treated as such because you can’t or won’t figure out your brokenness. We must take some time to acknowledge and work through all those emotions and feelings. Dating right away or hooking up with people is just putting a band aid over that deep cut. You’re still bleeding and that next person in your life is going to drown in your blood. All those emotions and feelings that you have yet to address are going to come to the surface eventually and cause some major issues. Again, without self awareness you might not even know you are doing it. Some people, particularly narcissists and sociopaths, tend to feed off other people’s attention and admiration. Fellas, getting nudes right away might seem fun and cool but most of the time attached to that pic will be some serious issues and you’re probably not the only one getting those pics. Ladies, sending nudes to get constant validation or attention, to every guy you meet is not sexy, it’s not healthy, it’s disturbing and a huge red flag.

The toxic shit that is said and done can have some lasting effects. Once those words fly it can be hard to get them out of your head or stop thinking about them all together. We humans love to dwell on thoughts and replay all the scenarios over and over. The emotional damage that can come with a toxic relationship can last for some time. Therefor, it is so important to deal with this damage and find some peace and healing. Equally as important is to try and not make the same mistakes. Don’t heal yourself just to go back to your old ways. What’s the point?

Two people can be madly in love with each other but that doesn’t mean they should be together or going to be a good fit. The truth is sometimes people are simply toxic for each other. In some ways its poetic and beautiful, it can give us some valuable life lessons and ultimately, we should end up with the right person and have a beautiful life with them. These toxic relationships can be great learning points. They should teach us what we want and what we don’t want. We can and should take some positives away from them. Learning and growing even through hardships can still produce wisdom. Maybe even the best wisdom.

The most important part of your healing journey is recognizing that you are the creator of your reality. Start with what you can control and I believe one of those pieces to healing from a toxic relationship is your mindset. I know from firsthand experience that during these times you’re going to have a lot of different thoughts and emotions. What human wouldn’t? Your brain will work on overdrive and dive down a lot of different rabbit holes. Mostly thinking about the very worse shit possible and yes all humans do it. I would also highly recommend seeking some sort of therapy and relying on a healthy support group. Do not ignore them, do not act as if they don’t exist, do not shove them down and burry them with drugs or alcohol. They are going to come back up like Mount St. Helens on March 27, 1980.

“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.” ~ Sarah Dessen

You will move on and find new love. Like I always say there are 8 billion people in the world, if we keep it simple 4 billion men and 4 billion women. I promise you there is another person out there for you.

Happy hunting and happy healing.

Fish