Therapy

Putting the pieces together.

Therapy is cool. I go to therapy, and so should you!

“A man’s engine can occasionally overheat. Let’s pop the hood” – Dr. Rich Mahogany

Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, describes therapy in the following way:

[Therapy is] a kind of focused attention that allows us to see the internal workings of our own minds. It helps us to be aware of our mental processes without being swept away by them, enables us to get ourselves off the autopilot of ingrained behaviors and habitual responses, and moves us beyond the reactive emotional loops we all have a tendency to get trapped in.

I will tailor this article a little more to men because 1. I’m a man and can relate a lot better to my sex, and 2. We hardly ever talk about men and therapy, and we really need to. Let’s have a candid chat. Here we go.

I’ve been going to therapy on and off for most of my life and have been diligently going over the past five years. It’s easy for me to now sit down in front of a stranger and dump all my issues on them. At one point in time, though, it wasn’t that easy, especially for an A-type alpha male. Yeah, I get that it’s super weird telling a stranger great details about your life, and you know absolutely nothing about them. Might as well go to the bar, belly up, and word vomit on the guy next to you as you continue to buy round after round so he won’t leave. Oh wait, you already do that, and it’s not working? Weird. When I first started going, I was very reluctant and didn’t open up much. Mind you, I was 18 years old. Over time it got easier and easier, and I got more comfortable in my skin. Eventually, it felt normal and natural, like I was talking to a friend. Honestly, going to therapy is one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

I’ve heard it before, but Fish, I went to a therapist, and it was horrible, so I’m never going back. Cool, well, guess what? Your problems are coming back, again and again, and again. If you had one or two bad sessions and have decided never to return, you are doing yourself a disservice. I, too, have had one or two back sessions and simply moved on and found a new therapist. I would challenge you to be honest with yourself and ask what went wrong? What didn’t you like? Did the therapist ask hard questions? Did he/she challenge you? Did they make you feel uncomfortable? Did you even try, or were your walls so high it was doomed to fail from the start? Whatever it was, you are learning about yourself. That weird, uncomfortable feeling you’re getting, your face flushing, body tightening, all signs that something is trying to tell you something. Listen to your body, dive into those feelings, peel back some of those layers and begin to understand yourself more.  

I would be willing to bet you’re using the excuse “it’s not working” or “it’s not a right fit” as an excuse to get out of talking about your true thoughts and feelings. Am I right? I know I am, and check this out I’m not even a therapist, and I know this about you. Just one thing goes wrong, one wrong question, and you throw in the towel. Well, it’s time you grab life by the horns, no wait, it’s time to grab your mental health by the horns, step up to the plate, swing that bat, and hit a damn home run for yourself. Stop ignoring these issues, stop repeating the past, and start growing. You are better than this, and your future self will thank you for it.

When I was a Navy SEAL, we had other SEAL instructors teach us new techniques and tactics; we had shooting instructors, explosive instructors, etc. When I competed in CrossFit, I had a coach. There would have been no way I would have made SoCal regionals my first year competing if I didn’t. I had a coach when I was racing triathlons and qualified for the National Championship. In all the sports growing up, I had coaches. In school, we have teachers to help us dive deeper into the subjects and expand our knowledge so we can get fancy pieces of paper saying we are now intelligent on a specific matter. To get better at something, to become the best in a specific field, or at least gain more knowledge and understanding, we must have coaches, teachers, mentors, and so on to help us achieve our goals. What is my point of all this? My question is simple, then why in the holy f*** are we not willing to have a coach for our mental health and well-being? Our mental health will follow us our entire lives. It’s with us every day, affecting us every day, yet we act like everything is fine and dandy. Some of us think life is all good, but we are far from fine and dandy. It’s about time you, man or woman, the f*** up, take charge of your life and seek mental health assistance.

As a SEAL, we pride ourselves on being the best; we train our asses off in every environment imaginable, every situation imaginable, and do it day and night. The alpha male competitiveness in the SEAL teams is a 37 on a scale from 1 to 10. In our platoon (usually a 15–22-man unit), we are constantly pushing ourselves to the limit and challenging each other in every aspect of training and in life. I have carried this mindset into my daily life as a civilian. If I see a chink in my armor (my mental health), then I am going to address it. I need to stay sharp, focused, and on point. My mental fortitude and strength literally got me through SEAL training as a student, so I’m going to say it has some serious power and strength. This strength can benefit my relationships, career, friendships, goals, dreams, and beyond, but it can really backfire if I’m not being a good custodian of my mental health. I can become my own worst enemy by turning that strength against myself, causing great instability and agitation to my overall mindset and mental health.

The majority of people will try and self-medicate. There are two types of self-medication. Healthy and non-healthy. One is fun and easy (non-healthy) the other is hard and can be boring (healthy). One actually helps you, and the other actually hinder you even further. Which do humans prefer? Drinking your feelings away only exacerbates them and complicates your life. Might I remind you that you still haven’t addressed the actual real issue? You might be thinking about it, you might be upset about it, or you most likely have word vomited on your bestie about it, but you still have yet to address it. Talking shit to your friend about your issues does not count as addressing them.

What does self-medication look like? For me, it has always been boozing and fighting (not healthy). For most people, it will be booze, drugs, poor diet, lack of sleep, etc. Healthy self-medication could be doing things you like, working out, eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, talking to a professional, getting proper sleep, etc. Taking prescription medicine can be both healthy and unhealthy for you. Depending on how you use them and what they are treating.

Even with the understanding that we need help or some guidance from a professional, we are still reluctant to seek help. Why is that? Well, for a long time, “it was believed that therapy was only for the very disturbed and lost; drug addicts, the severely anxious and depressed, or mentally ill homeless men and women”. (1)

So why are we and especially men, not going to therapy? According to some mental health professionals, they believe “certain social and cultural norms, as well as rigid beliefs about masculinity, may prevent men from seeking help.” (2) For many men, if not the majority of us, admitting we have a personal flaw can feel like admitting we have leprosy. Instead of admitting and seeking help, we bury our feelings and emotions way down deep and hope they never come up again. Then we do an unhealthy cycle of self-medication. News flash about your deep emotions and feelings you buried; they come back!  

I would absolutely agree our social and cultural norms, along with our beliefs about masculinity, have a great effect on men and their willingness to seek mental health and therapy. Coming from the military, it’s even worse than in civilian life. It’s looked down upon if you seek help or are no longer capable of doing your job if you need help. That’s bullshit! By seeking help, we are addressing our issues, gaining knowledge, and healing ourselves in ways that we couldn’t do on our own. I’m stronger and better for doing it rather than burying it deep down in the darkest place I can find in my soul. It’s unhealthy and will not help resolve or heal any issues.

According to the American Psychological Association, dozens of studies and surveys over the past several decades have shown that men of all ages and ethnicities are less likely than women to seek help for all sorts of problems–including depression, substance abuse, and stressful life events–even though they encounter those problems at the same or greater rates as women.

Figure 4.

Perhaps we should be looking at other popular types of therapy, which include Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), Psychotherapy, Cognitive behavioral therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), Exposure therapy, Interpersonal therapy, and Psychodynamic therapy. Find one that works for you and give it a solid college try. I especially recommend self-help therapy. Exercise and cutting out alcohol will literally change your life. Just those two small adjustments in your life will profoundly impact your overall health, happiness, and well-being. I am the walking poster boy for self-help treatments and results. I would caution you on just popping prescription pills and carrying on with your life like everything is fine. Prescription pills can very much act like a bandaid and not actually heal the issues.

Here is a story about a time I tried taking medication for issues related to a relationship. Side note, not all prescribed medicine is created equal. I have dated some amazing women in my life, and I have dated some absolutely batshit crazy women. I was in a relationship a few years ago; it was getting toxic and extremely stressful, to say the least. I started to have some bad anxiety and depression. (This should be a red flag, if I need to take the medication to stay in a relationship, we need to have a serious talk with ourselves) I went to my doc, and they decided to prescribe me something to help the mengs calm down or resolve. I agreed and, at the time, greatly needed it. I start taking this medicine, and I begin to have some severe “sexual” side effects. I address these concerns with my provider, and she decides to give me another “pill” to counteract the sexual side effects. So now I must take two pills for my anxiety and depression. Ugh, what?  No thanks! That doesn’t work for me. Let’s take a step back, address the real issues going on (get back into therapy), and find a different type of prescription that doesn’t require me to have issues south of the border. The current day I am still in therapy (just for myself, not for any relationship) I am no longer in a said relationship and not taking any medication for depression, anxiety, or south-of-the-border issues, and I feel happier than ever.

Why are we just throwing more pills at issues as they arise? Why are we taking multiple pills for one issue? Having said that, I think there is a right time and place for prescription medication. I am not “against” prescription medicines I just strongly feel we should be addressing the real issues and then prescribing the proper treatment plan. It’s truly amazing what can change your life with natural remedies.

The main reason I go to therapy is for my relationships. Not only to help with my future ones but also to address issues that have arisen from past ones. Sometimes it’s not our current partner that has the issues, but it’s our issues from our past we have yet to address. With each relationship ending, I know I played a role in it and can learn from my mistakes and get better, so the next girl I date gets a better version of me and hopefully, one of these days, it doesn’t end, and I live happily ever after (if that’s what I really want). Much of the understanding I have about myself and the patterns I display in relationships came from my time in therapy. Therapy allows you to see things from a different perspective and new light. It will change your views and help you see things more clearly. The whole lightbulb moment thing.

My point is I saw something wrong with my dating life; I needed a professional (not a best friend, see comment below on “best friend therapy”) to help peel back the layers and get to the root of the problem. The majority of the time, the drama that is coming up is probably stemming from past relationships, childhood trauma, how you were raised, etc. (insert your patterns here), but those issues haven’t been addressed, and now they are coming to the surface and affecting your current relationship. You are bringing your past baggage into the relationship. It’s especially unfair and unhealthy to your current partner/relationship when they take on your “baggage” because you haven’t addressed any of it. It’s also bullshit on your behalf that you haven’t/won’t address these issues. If you want a better relationship, start with healing and addressing your issues. I gain tremendous insight into myself and my relationships by seeing a therapist. I love seeing a therapist. One of the main reasons why I got my degree in Psychology is so I can better understand humans and better understand myself and why I do certain shit I do. Sometimes we just can’t explain it and need a new “teacher” to help guide us through these muddy waters.

At the end of the day, it’s your life. Do you want to grow, change, heal and be the best version of yourself or stay broken, depressed, and angry? You get one shot on this planet. How are you going to live it? You can either stay the same, or you can rise up, choose a new path, a new life, and live happier. LET’S GO!

P.S. On the subject of “my best friend is my therapist.” – Don’t take everything someone says to you personally. What people say is often a reflection of them, not you.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a couple besties I open up to and talk about all my drama, issues, and life topics, and I greatly appreciate their advice and friendship for listening. I’m not saying stop talking to your besties. I am saying that for some of the bigger issues, the continual patterns you exhibit, the issues that seem to not go away from you, the constant relationship issues, and the “why does this keep happening issues,” you should seek a professional. Someone trained in these matters can look at you more objectively instead of your hormone-filled friend who has “your back no matter what.” I would even say that some of our friends give us borderline toxic advice, coming from their current toxic life or their own life failures and experiences in regard to relationships. We know guys don’t discuss their feelings or open up to each other about such issues. The two besties that I mostly open up to are females.

At the end of the day, I am saying we all should seek professional help once in and while and that it’s completely normal, and you should not feel ashamed or embarrassed. If you go to the gym to improve your “body fitness,” get your ass in the other gym and improve your “mental fitness.”

Fish’s seven-step plan for a happier, healthier mental lifestyle. Try it for seven weeks and email me!

1. God
2. Therapy
3. Gym/workout
4. Cut alcohol out (or to a very, very minimum)
5. 7+ hours sleep
6. .75 – 1 + gallon of water per day
7. Do something that makes you happy (not drugs)

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. “ – Albert Einstein

Just remember big biceps are cool, but having a healthy mindset is even cooler. – Fish

One love. One life. Live #intrepid.

Fish

Resources

1. Goldenberg, D. (2017, March 15). Why men are resistant to therapy. PsychAlive. Retrieved January 15,2022, from https://www.psychalive.org/why-men-resist-therapy/ 
2. Levy, J. (2020). Art therapy. two colorful heads. What Is Art Therapy? Benefits & How It’s Used to Help Heal. Retrieved January 16, 2022, from https://draxe.com/health/what-is-art-therapy/
3. Team, G. T. E. (n.d.). Therapy for men. –. Retrieved January 13, 2022, from https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/men-issues/men-therapy
4. Terlizzi, E. P., & Zablotsky, B. (2020). Percentage of adults aged 18 and over who had received any mental health treatment, taken medication for their mental health, or received counseling or therapy from a mental health professional in the past 12 months, by urbanization level: United States, 2019. Mental Health Treatment Among Adults: United States, 2019. Retrieved January 14, 2022